Make friends everywhere you go

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Hello, my name is Ethan and I have a challenge for you. Next time you are on a bus, train, plane, Uber, Lyft, or a Cycle Rickshaw, don’t look at your phone. Don’t place the AirPods in your ears and tune the world out with your music or podcasts. Look at the person next to or in front of you and say hi. Try to start some conversation and maybe you will learn something about someone. Perhaps you will make a friend.

Part 1: I was struggling…

The year is 2021 and I am struggling with my mental health. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life mostly around my stutter, but this time it was different. I had my first severe panic attack at my friend’s house and ended up pacing around his house trying to catch my breath. I remember him and his mom watching me trying to say something to calm me down, but I was so in my head. I remember thinking, why is this happening? I was just having a great time. But now, I’m pacing around his house with a million thoughts racing through my head, sweat speckling across my face. What is going on?

Eventually, I calm down and tell my friend I should go home. I hop in my car and start driving. (Maybe not the safest move, but it felt right at the time). Unfortunately, it turns out this is only the beginning.

Every morning I wake up with the same thought in my head. How bad is my anxiety going to be today? I feel so much weight on my shoulders. Anxiety about having anxiety. The cycle of “Am I going crazy?” circling my mind over and over.

Months pass and things are only slightly getting better. I see friends go out to the movies and restaurants, but my anxiety is still the worst it’s been. I am soon getting ready to transfer to a university called the University of Massachusetts — Amherst or UMASS for short. I am majoring in theater as acting and theater has been a huge part of my life. I entered UMass as not the goofy high schooler I was but as an anxious college student. I didn’t feel the same as I used to. Making friends felt difficult and engaging in conversation was tough as my head was constantly worrying about how they were perceiving me. I missed out on parties, clubs, and acting in plays because I let the anxiety get the best of me.

However, there was one big thing I said yes to. Joining students on a trip to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I packed my bags, said my goodbyes to my parents, and took off. I remember trying my best to make friends with my classmates around me, but it was difficult. I ended up staring at my phone to avoid any uncomfortable feelings or awkward situations. Eventually, on day three of the trip I woke up feeling terrible. I ran to my desk in my room, ripped a COVID test out of the sleeve, swirled a Q-tip around my nose, dripped the drop, and bang it was positive. The small walls in my room shrank around me. How could this be? The next week I was stuck in my room binge-watching TV shows and Kung Fu Panda movies as the other students ran to watch theater shows right outside my room.

My bedroom

I was so upset I was missing out on all the theater that was happening right below me. I FaceTimed my parents and cried at how this was supposed to be the time I came out of my shell and made friends. This was supposed to be the time I created memories that I could tell my friends and family back home. But I was stuck.

I fell asleep and dreamt that I was back at work at my pizza job and taking tests at school. My life being the same. I woke up and without a thought in my head, I emailed my manager that I quit. I called my parents and told them that I was going to travel Europe solo. My one goal was to make friends on every transportation I was on. This felt great, terrifying, but great.

The first step is to visit my hometown friend, Robert, who is traveling through London.

Part 2: Take Off

Photo I took in London

I was on the train to London. Thoughts circling through my head like, “How am I going to do this the cheapest way possible?” I was scrolling through my phone looking for cheap tickets until an older woman sat next to me. I looked at her and smiled. I remembered the motto I told myself. “Make friends everywhere you go.” I turned off my phone and placed it in my pocket. “Hi,” I said awkwardly, “What’s your name?” She looked at me with kind eyes and told me her name. Suddenly, we began talking about her family, work, travel dreams, and hobbies. I learned how she travels to different prisons and teaches inmates about religion. I found everything she was saying so fascinating.

Then, after a wonderful conversation and trying out some snacks she brought along my stop arrived. I looked at her and told her my stop was here. She could tell I was sad and as I was getting up she grabbed my arm. “Wait before you go,” she rummaged in her pocket and found her wallet, and pulled out a few British pounds. “Take this with you. Your lunch is on me. Oh, and before you go let me give you my contact so in case you are ever in London again you can visit me, have dinner, and meet my child.” I was in such shock. This woman I just met just became my closest friend in London. Well… my only friend in London at the moment. I thanked her profusely and stepped off the train.

My goal was working perfectly. I met up with my friend Robert and we went out to eat the spiciest Indian food I’ve ever had. After hallucinating from the spice for the next 20 minutes, we made our way out of the restaurant and toured through the streets. Stopping into different clothing and video game stores.

This trip was nothing but a blast. I stayed for free at Robert’s Airbnb and the next day I said my goodbyes. My next destination was Paris.

I am staring out the window of the bus as I listen to the soft chatter and pings of phones around me. In a seat in front, I saw a young adult who seemed about the same age as me. He seemed incredibly friendly so I tried to start a conversation. He explained to me that he is from Paris and is a working photographer who wants to step into the movie industry as well. I looked at him with eyes wide open and a huge smile across my face. “I have been trying to get into the movie/entertainment industry for a while as well.” We immediately hit it off with our top favorite movies and explain how the movies in the US are so different than movies in France.

The bus eventually drops us off in Paris and he shows me his hometown and the best places to eat. We walk through a crowd of people doing the salsa, singing, eating, and laughing. I take pictures of the Eiffel Tower and eat the best-baked goods I’ve ever had.

Unfortunately, I needed to leave in less than a few hours. My goal was to visit my aunt and friend in Germany now. I said goodbye to my new friend and he stopped me and told me that whenever I am in Paris I can give him a call and stay at his place. I thanked him profusely and we hugged and I hopped on my bus. The bus ride went on for over 24 hours and I fell asleep. I didn’t speak to a single person on that ride. Maybe I would have made a friend… maybe not. However, I was too busy reflecting on my prior anxieties. I was too afraid to speak to new people due to my stutter and struggle to put myself out there. Now, I have made friends on every bus and train ride I’ve been on. My confidence was through the roof and I was so excited to show up at UMASS with this level of confidence.

My bus pulled into the destination, Mannheim. My friend Triston is waiting outside for me and we embrace as I nearly fall asleep in his arms. He shows me to his dorm and I collapse on his air mattress as he questions why I didn’t just take the train. I whisper back half asleep, “The tickets were cheaper…”

The next morning I got a beautiful view of Mannheim.

The view from my friend’s dorm

We both had a great time traveling throughout Germany and eating döners… so… many… döners. After spending about 6 days in Germany with my friend. I needed to leave to head back home. We hugged and I hopped on a lime scooter dragging my suitcase to the airport.

Part 3: The Flight Back Home

I stepped onto the plane and walked near the end of it. I sat in the aisle next to a woman with her daughter who must not be any older than 13. I closed my eyes and got ready to fall asleep until I remembered my goal, “make friends everywhere you go.” I looked at the woman and said, “Hi, how are you?” She looked at me and said, “Terrible, my husband and I have been at each other’s throats throughout our entire trip. This was supposed to be a nice and relaxing vacation but he made it about himself. My daughter and I can’t stand him anymore. I am so close to leaving him… I mostly married him for the money. But, that was only nice for a little bit. I actually cheated on him during this trip with a guy from France. Do you want to see a picture of him nude?” She reached into her pocket to grab her phone. However, she must’ve noticed my jaw on the floor because she removed her hand from her pocket and turned her back to speak with her daughter. The rest of the flight we had small awkward talk about relationships and travels and I tried to give her supporting advice but in the end, I put in earbuds watched a movie, and quietly laughed to myself.

Once I arrived, I told my parents all of my stories and felt so much more confident in my body. I literally traveled across Europe by myself and made friends along the way. All I had to do was step out of my comfort zone and say, “Hello.” Once that part was over everything else fell into place. You don’t have to feel confident and you don’t have to seem confident, but all you have to do is put down your phone and talk to the person next to you. That is my challenge for you.